


The Library Diaries

by impossiblesongs



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Episode Fix-it: s04e08 Silence in the Library, F/M, Post Episode: s04e08-09 Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, mentions of past companions, ten has major rose feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-25
Updated: 2013-06-25
Packaged: 2017-12-16 03:33:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 20,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/857298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impossiblesongs/pseuds/impossiblesongs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor reunites with River in the Library in a different way than expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Idea born from [this](http://whenyourunwiththedoctor.tumblr.com/post/30368080752/things-that-happen-in-my-world-the) photoset on tumblr.  
> Disclamier: I do not make any money off of this. At all.  
> Unfortunately no beta.

 

If you think about it nice and hard being kept alive in a computer seems limited and boring. Everything is perfect; everything is warm and sunny, except it's not. River Song has made it hard for herself. She has demanded, unlike the others, to know what date it is and how long she has been kept in CAL's hard drive. It's not that she wants to torture herself it's that she doesn't want to lose herself in waiting. Like her mother, she's learned to stop waiting.  
  
When she was downloaded into the computer she could see it as nothing but a gift. A life that she could preserve until one day perhaps the Doctor would get her out of it, she was sure in the beginning. Now she's not so keen to believe in anything anymore. She fills her time with countless adventures the computer has saved along the years and has more or less found a rhythm she can be at peace with.  
  
She's taken Cal and the other children to have breakfast with Winston Churchill and tea with Princess Diana. It's really not so bad. Learning to live without the Doctor should have been worst but she really can't complain when she has the biggest library in the world at her fingertips. The only thing that annoys her is that Cal has taken to blocking the stories of the Doctor from River's grasp. They are locked in a vault that Cal refuses to let her open.  
  
"You have your blue book, River." Cal frowns. "That's all you should need. The Doctor wouldn't have let it be downloaded into my system if it wasn't enough."  
  
"But you don't understand!" River knelt down to the small child's height. "I can go anywhere in here. Do anything. But I want to be with him."  
  
"I'm sorry." Cal pulls River in for a hug.  
  
River holds the virtual child in her arms with the weight of her heart on her shoulders.  
  
"At least tell me why?" River begs.  
  
"Spoilers." Is what falls from the young child's mouth.  
  
"What?" River pulls back to look into Cal's eyes, "What did you say?"  
  
"You'll see soon enough." Cal smiled and tugged River's palm into her own. "Let's go see Frank Sinatra tonight. I have the perfect idea and you'll love it."  
  
River let the child tug her forward and into another lovely setting for now. Other Dave and Miss Evangelista tagged along. The others took to River's life like a fairytale. They all were fascinated and were pleased with every new trip Cal led them to. But it wasn't the same, and River was the only one who knew it. When Cal takes a glance at her, as the young girl usually always does, she sees River is not as enthusiastic as the others are. That makes the child try harder next time. It breaks Rivers hearts that she can't react any different.  
  
It was later on when Cal brought them home and River was picking up the toys Cal played with that day when she found something peeking out from under the sofa. As her hand went in to reach for it the object gave off static and started glowing bright blue. When River touched it she got a zap to her finger and jumped back in alarm.  
  
River looked around the room to make sure no one was around and took a dress off of a doll that sat beside her and reached for the object again. The object started to dim and took the image of a wallet. River placed her hands securely around it and pulled it towards her.  
  
She knew what this was.  
  
 _Psychic paper._  
  
River tried to grab the wallet with her hands now, carefully. It did not sting her again. She flipped it open to find scribbled words that could only be her Doctor's handwriting.  
  
 _ **Hi honey, I'm home.**_


	2. Chapter 2

River tries to calm the beating of her hearts that have slowly leaked their way into her head, making everything she can focus on shift erratically in her view. Her curls start to stick to her skin with the heat now suffocating around her, she needed some fresh air.  
  
Shakily she got to her feet, as she did the psychic paper slipped from her hand. As soon as it hit the floor it disappeared. River panicked and went back on her knees, searching for the object tearfully.  
  
"No, no, please. You can't do this to me." She said in a hushed tone. "Not after all this time." She continued digging into the carpet to no avail. It was gone. River pushed up and sat beside the sofa with a mess of sobs working their way up her throat.  
  
1226 days.  
  
It's been 1226 days she's lived without the Doctor and it's only taken now to realize why it's been so easy. There really is no reminder of him in here. No traces of him linger physically like at her cell or in the Tardis back in reality, no place he has taken residence of unless you count her heart. And really what a fond heart she has that is full of his face but now that she's gotten a psychical piece of evidence that he exists it hurts so much more. Hurts in ways that are cutting through the veil she's kept so deeply hidden.  
  
She remembers the first few months in here. She'd forgotten how hard it had been to breathe. She forgets because it only hurts to remember. The nights where she would wake up and realize it's not the Tardis at her door, where a phone didn't get her through to him, and where a bed wouldn't ever be theirs to share again.  
  
It took months to get over that. It took months to forget she would never be held and remember being River Song, Melody Pond - the woman who married him as if she still was.  
  
She needed air.  
  
Of course as soon as she gets outside she chuckles bitterly, this isn't air. It's a made up reality and it doesn't help her one bit. It's right now that she hates everything around her. She goes up to a tree and starts to tear at the leaves. They disappear into thin air as soon as she rips them from the branch. She starts to attack it helplessly, wishing she could feel the leaves burn as she tears them off like it was a real tree. Her anger rises.  
  
"Professor Song."  
  
She knows that voice.  
  
"Leave me alone Doctor Moon." She can hear the work of a sob leap from her throat.  
  
"I believe there is a visitor for you."  
  
River feels her belly ache with longing and grief as her shoulders start to shake. "Tell Cal not now, I don't feel like playing tonight and send whoever it is back."  
  
"Thought you'd be glad to see me." The voice is not one she's heard before.  
  
River turns slowly, "But it can't be." she mutters.  
  
"Hi honey, I'm home."  
  
The sight before her almost tears her apart. Blue eyes bore into hers with sheer intensity. It's a look she knows but not with this face. His black leather jacket makes him look rough and older, and in a way in this body he is.  
  
"Hello River." The Doctor says. "Give us a moment Doctor Moon?"  
  
"Quite certainly." The man retreats into thin air.  
  
The Doctor smiles and she's not sure if she should feel anything. This is not her Doctor's smile. "What is it?" He asks.  
  
"Your face." River replies automatically.  
  
"You always said you were quite fond of this face. You're not a liar are you Professor Song because if you are this isn't gonna work."  
  
"What isn't gonna work?" River eyed the Doctor, in his ninth form, walk around the front yard with a stupid grin.  
  
"This. You and me, this adventure." He walked up to her and took her hand in his. These hands were much bigger than her Doctor's hands. "I've a plan." The Doctor said. "Do you trust me?"  
  
"Always, sweetie." River relaxed a bit when his hand reached out and pushed some curls from her face.  
  
"Good." The Doctor nodded. "You have questions." The blonde man standing before her was blunt and straight to the point.  
  
"Might it be my turn to finally ask, who are you?" River felt a smirk tug itself onto her face. His blue eyes dancing over her was starting to get her giddy.  
  
The Doctor laughed, loud and jovial in this voice. "My dear River, thought you'd never ask." He offered his arm. "Join me for dinner?"  
  
"Wherever would you be taking me?" River felt his eyes scatter along her face and remembered that she had been crying. She reached up and cleaned her face as best she could under his watchful eye.  
  
"The Tardis of course. Brought her with me. Well, my version of the Tardis."  
  
"Sounds splendid." River smiled, falling at ease with this voice she'd never heard of come from the man she loved. She took his arm, the cool fabric of his jacket igniting goosebumps to arise.  
  
"This way miss Song." The Doctor led her towards the back of the grounds and there she stood. The bluest blue ever, it felt like the Tardis was singing to her. When she felt a tug at her arm she realized the Doctor was looking down at her with sad eyes. She realizes she is crying again.  
  
"Oh, dear, I'm so sorry. I just can't…" River couldn't finish her words and hid her face in his chest.  
  
The Doctor's arms swarmed around her. He was so different in this form. So much sturdier and just a bit harder than his other forms.  
  
"I'm sorry it took this long." His hands, so different to her, started playing with her curls. "I didn't mean to keep myself away River I just couldn't find a plan that would work. But now I've found one. And it's a fantastic one. You'll be so impressed."  
  
"Why are you in the Ninth's body?" River asked directly.  
  
"Spoilers." He smirked, the feature falling full across his face. "Now, dinner. Come on." He held his hand out.


	3. Chapter 3

"You weren't kidding." River pushed away her plate now that it was empty. "About this being your Tardis I mean."  
  
"I never joke about my Tardis, Miss Song." The Doctor smirked. "Now get to the more exciting questions. More  
champagne?" He asked.  
  
"No, sweetie, I'm good." River grinned. "Okay, how does this work then?"  
  
"Being as clever as you are I'm surprised you haven't figured it out yet." The Doctor commented. "Alright, one tiny spoiler before bedtime." He grinned. "We'll get to us, us-us I mean, my eleventh, soon enough. You just have to have patience River. I want time with you that I didn't get this far back and now I found a way to have it. I just regenerated into my Tenth."  
  
He could tell she was confused.  
  
"I've been planning for a while now. I went back in time and downloaded my Ninth version into the computer when I regenerated into my Tenth just with my full memory of us added to the system, it was very complicated not to be seen. You know I'm not supposed to do that, interfere with my own timeline but I did." The Doctor took a drink from his champagne. "I think you get the picture."  
  
River beamed at him. He was such an impossible brilliant man. This meant, by the looks of it, he would be downloading his different selves into the computer after every regeneration. It can't be simple but he's doing it and he hadn't forgotten her. He had just been planning. Her hearts swell at the thought.  
  
"But how exactly would this work? With you, your Tenth, and Eleventh selves here?" River asked.  
  
"Oh, thought of that already. When I upload one, I delete the other."  
  
River smiled. "Sweetie, that's brilliant!"  
  
"I knew you would think so." His oversized hand took hers from across the table; they looked and felt tiny in his grasp. "I just needed time."  
  
River stood and walked around towards him before sitting down on his lap. The leather jacket was cool against her palm. For some unknown reason she felt unsure with him in this body. He could still read her like a book it seems because he took her face in his hands and pulled her to him for a kiss.  
  
Her hearts leapt from her chest. His lips were thin and worn against hers, hair much too short to grasp as her fingers ran along it and body far too full to get use to just now. But she had time now, lots of time it seems to get re-acquainted.  
  
"River!" The Doctor gasps as soon as she attacks his humongous ears with her lips.  
  
"What, you can't tell me no one's ever bitten these before." River's tone smug.  
  
"Rose and I… never", he paused to swallow, "not in this body." The Doctor smiled sheepishly against River's neck.  
  
"Oh, Doctor." River sighed before stopping to simply kiss this incredibly different yet similar man in front of her.  
  
"River." The Doctor said her name again. In this voice her name sounds so exotic to her ears. It makes her shiver a bit every time he says it. "You must be tired."  
  
"I've had worse days." River tightens her hold on him, refusing to let go.  
  
"Let's get you to bed." The Doctor nudges her off him a bit.  
  
"But I just want to stay here for a little while longer." River pleads.  
  
"River, I'm not going anywhere. Look at me." The Doctor takes her face in his hand and stares at her with those foreign brilliant blue eyes of his, a promise held within them. "I'm not going anywhere. This is only the beginning."  
  
River feels tears start to well up behind her eyelids but blinks them away and nods. "Alright. I trust you."  
  
"Fantastic." His smile brings light to her hearts.  
  
  


 

  
**xXx**

  
  
  
  
  
The Doctor leads her to his room in the Tardis, this Tardis is so different from the one she knows and calls home. The old girl regenerates with him it seems, River muses silently.  
  
They walk hand in hand until he stops at a room a few turns away. His eyes linger on her for a few moments before he pushes the door open. The walls are deep blue and seem to hum in welcoming as River steps inside. There is a king sized bed positioned in the middle of the large room, two small drawers on either side.  
  
"This is different." River approached the bed with soft black sheets and ran a hand over the fabric.  
  
"It was me, in this body. Had a bit of a dark period you could say." The Doctor was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. "Save a bit of the future in here though." He tipped his head towards the drawer on the right.  
  
River smiled softly and rummaged through the first drawer. She pulled out a photo of her Doctor and herself at her parent's house for Chrismtas.  
  
"Isn't this against the rules?" River asked, placing the framed photograph on top of the drawer.  
  
"I know all of our history River. I'm just packaged differently." The Doctor watched River glide around the room, stopping a few feet away from him.  
  
"How exactly will this work then?" River took the last remaining steps towards the Doctor and filled the space beside his.  
  
He looked down at her "The Library is many things but it isn't time and space. Where we are right now time goes in a complete order, no skipping forward or back. It's a life that's never been meant for us." His accent, the more she heard him speak, was growing on her. "I want this time River, for you and I, to eclipse what we already have. I want a day to day life with you." He reached out and took her hand in his.  
  
Her hand tightened around his. "This sounds wonderful at hand but I have to warn you Doctor, it gets awfully boring without a few Daleks to push around."  
  
The Doctor chuckled softly, "I never did work out why the epitome of hate is scared of my wife."  
  
"Have you met me Doctor?" River's voice was low and flirty.  
  
"Oh, I married you River Song," The Doctor pushed himself straight and stared down at her with a raised brow, "but you are still an enigma to be reckoned with."  
  
River bites her lip and pulls on the Doctor's jacket towards the bed. The smile he gives in return makes her bold move worth it.  
  
"Lay with me Doctor." River requests, desperately in need to know how it feels to be in this Doctor's arms.  
  
"Professor Song, I thought you'd never ask." A full smile washed itself over his face.  
  
"Keep calling me professor you might earn yourself a lesson." River grinned.


	4. Chapter 4

He's lying beside her with conflicting emotions. He knows who she is and what she is to him and he loves River but he realizes his feelings for Rose back in that time, in this body, were fully blossoming. It's enough to make him slowly lift himself out of the bed, take his jacket that was draped on the edge of the bed, and quietly sneak back to the console.  
  
He didn't expect this. These feelings for Rose he's lingering with are only the beginning of what was their relationship when she was with him but it still brings back old wounds.  
  
For the first time since he'd thought of this idea, this reunion with his wife, he realizes he didn't think of all that would come with altering what he would be feeling in order to get here.  
  
He knows there is going to be the worst of it when his Tenth self gets here. That's when it was really bad, those feelings. But what was done was done; his Eleventh already had taken care of that by setting up this entire plan. There is no going back but he knows deep down inside that whatever he may be feeling River was worth coming back to.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
When River hears the door to the bedroom close her eyes fall open. She could feel him thinking and drifting off, well, she always had some sense of when he'd do that she assumes it's her time lord DNA at work. His body feels so different against her own. Where her Doctor was full of gangly limbs and a ridiculous chin this Doctor was more reserved. This Doctor she felt was hiding something.  
  
She wants so desperately to get up and ask him what's wrong because she knows her Doctor is in there with all of their memories in this body. She can't. She can't help but want her Doctor's face to show up.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
When River does decide to get out of bed she wanders to the console, that's where her beautiful idiot always ends up going, to find a note.  
  
 _Having breakfast with Cal. Join us, would you love?_  
  
River can't help the smirk that appears on her face. She approaches the Tardis doors and lays a hand on it with deep affection as her eyes gaze at this different but similar box before opening them and stepping out into the warm sunlight. This cheers her up considerably.  
  
As she reaches the front steps she sees Anita sitting on a marble bench near the window with a book in hand.  
  
"Hello girls." River greets her with a smile.  
  
"Morning River." Anita smiles back warmly.  
  
"See you later." River waves before entering the home.  
  
The smell of pancakes is in the air and she makes her way to the kitchen being greeted by the Doctor's laugh piercing her ears.  
  
"Well then, having fun now are we?" She asks.  
  
The Doctor grins. "About time you'd join us."  
  
River shrugged. "You know I like to take my time sweetie."  
  
"River come, sit next to me!" Cal's excited face begged.  
  
"Just give me a second." River walked over to the counter and picked the yellow fruit, glancing back to the Doctor to see him in deep conversation with Cal.  
  
"Banana sweetie?" She offered once standing beside him at the table.  
  
His eyes travelled from her shoes to the fruit in her hands. His smile was so magnificent as he took it gently, "You've been doing your homework haven't you?"  
  
River chuckled, "Oh, researching my husband's many likes and dislikes in each regeneration was a favorite pastime. Call it a hobby."  
  
He grinned, "Blueberry pancakes?"  
  
"Don't mind if I do." River took a seat beside him and Cal.


	5. Chapter 5

He strolls down the garden after checking on the Tardis to find River tending to a rose bush and not just an ordinary rose bush. He stops and marvels at her. It's been so long since he's seen her really and the simplicity of the sight before him swells in his hearts.  
  
"Ah, that's no ordinary rose bush." He comments once reaching up to her.  
  
"It's absolutely virtual." River smiles tenderly.  
  
He chuckles, "This is a bush from Gallifrey." His hands reach to touch the rose. "Brought it with me on my way in."  
  
The bush sparkles with golden light flinging from the petals in circular motions as his hands come in contact with it.  
  
"It's beautiful."  
  
"Just like the gardener." He grins.  
  
River laughs lightly, "Doctor, you flatter me."  
  
"It's not just a compliment River it's true."  
  
"You know," River debates holding her tongue, "Your voice is so different. I've never come in contact with this incarnation of yours and I must say it's growing on me."  
  
"I know it's hard." He reaches out to grab her hand, cradling it towards his chest. "But this is going to get better. I promise." He presses his lips to her palm.  
  
"I trust you." River nods. "Always and completely."  
  
"Care to see what's really at the Bermuda triangle?" The Doctor grinned.  
  
"I thought you'd never ask."  
  
  
  


**xXx**

  
  
  
  
  
Cal took River's blue book from her drawer and handed it to River once she got in her bed. River pulled the sheets up and tucked the child safely.  
  
"Now that the Doctor is here you look so happy River." Cal smiled. "I'm sorry I had to keep his stories that are stored in the library off limits for so long but I got a message from him long ago that he had this planned."  
  
River reached out and cupped Cal's cheek in her warm palm, "Thank you. For making me wait."  
  
"Instead of reading from the diary could you tell me about the last two days?" Cal asked.  
  
River nodded, "Okay. The Bermuda Triangle is filled with a species called the Lakeshas. They have a world, or portal if you will, that has been there since before mankind. There are quite a few humans there, those who have fallen inside of that portal but they are all fine actually. It's hard not to fall in love with that world. The Lakeshas have no voice so they communicate through sound waves given off in an ancient language by song. The Doctor and I had dinner with some of the brotherin that rule the colony there."  
  
"What did you eat?"  
  
"The highest form of welcoming comes in a frog's tongue that they boil in seaweed."  
  
"Eww!" Cal balks at the idea.  
  
River laughs, "It quite tastes like fish. Very tasty."  
  
"That is horrible!" The young child grimaces.  
  
"Okay, love, it's time for bed." River reached out to turn the lamp beside the bed off.  
  
"Wait." Cal stopped her, "Since you're my mummy do you think the Doctor would be my dad now?"  
  
River looked at the expectant child. "We'll see dear. We'll see."  
  
River kissed the top of Cal's head and wished her sweet dreams. Once the child's bedroom door is shut River looks down at her blue book. The adventure the Doctor took her on she knows is from the library's files and not really the real thing but it was close enough.  
  
She finds the Doctor leaning against the counter popping jelly babies into his mouth.  
  
"Cal get to sleep well?" He asked.  
  
"She asked about our trip. I told her the modified version without you accidentally offending the head counsel and what we had to do to get out of it since it's a bit too racy for her but she seemed pleased enough with the dinner after all was said and done."  
  
"Fantastic! Care to get in any more trouble?"  
  
"What do you have in mind?" River grinned.  
  
"Wine. With me. Tardis. Thirty minutes?"  
  
"Are you planning to surprise me with something?" River seemed to glow under his watchful eye.  
  
"Spoilers." He grinned before jogging off outside.


	6. Chapter 6

River looked at herself as she sat in front of the mirror again. She was getting butterflies in her stomach.  _Oh, Doctor_  she thought with a sad smile. What could he possibly be up to?  
  
"You're looking rather daring." Miss Evangelista's voice popped up, eyeing River's dress.  
  
River glanced behind her and smirked, "Evening."  
  
"I assume it will be." Miss Evangelista teased. "Quite an evening!"  
  
"Oh, hush now." River grinned, patting the younger woman's hand as it came to rest on her own shoulder.  
  
"Are you happy?" She asked.  
  
River looked back at herself in the mirror. "I am." She answered honestly.  
  
"Good." Miss Evangelista smiled. "You deserve to be."  
  
"I feel like I haven't seen you in years." River's smile faded. "How many days have passed?"  
  
"Oh, River, stop with that. The Doctor is here, with you, now. Days shouldn't matter anymore." Miss Evangelista sighed. "I'm sorry."  
  
"No, it's alright. And you are right. The Doctor is here. Look at the time, I should pop out. He's waiting for me." River hugged the other woman and found her way outside as quickly as possible. The wind felt so real and the stars, how she'd missed them, were shining brightly. She had had Cal erase the stars some nights when thinking of the outside world would come back to haunt her.  
  
River made her way to the back of the grounds and found the Tardis waiting for her. She smiled and picked up the bottom of her dress from trailing on the grass as she walked up to it.  
The doors shifted open willingly as soon as she was a step away. She pushed the doors open further and stepped   
inside. There were small beams of lights floating around the Tardis console, carrying with them a small tune that flowed through the room.  
With a few more steps she was at the console, hands lingering on the levers and buttons fondly.  
  
"I assume you would still know how to fly her better than I do, even in this version." The Doctor appeared from the hallway dressed in a tux.  
  
River grinned at how the suit clung to him. He looked gorgeous. The suit also brought out those funny ears of his. She chuckled at the sight before her.  
  
"Doctor, you're staring." River moved towards him.  
  
"Wait." He held his hand out. "Just... stay."  
  
A small heartfelt smile made its way onto the Doctor's face the longer he stared at her. The deep green dress she was wearing made its effect on him in this incarnation brilliantly. He could spend the rest of this life just like this, staring at River Song in his Tardis as she grinned smugly at him. Yes, he decides he could.  
  
"Are you going to stare all night?" River chimed.  
  
"Would that really be so bad?" He smirked.  
  
"Not really." River shrugged. "You're quite something to look at as well."  
  
"Ah," the Doctor straightened out his suit, "Haven't worn this since the Titanic. Helped a family out, The Daniels, and I couldn't very well go around in my leather jacket at that time period so I had do dub a couple of these instead. You like?"  
  
"I do." River moved to stand beside him. "It makes me wonder, will I like it even better when it's off?" She teased.  
  
The Doctor chuckled, "Never change River."  
  
"Never, ever, sweetie." River grinned.  
  
"Now about that wine." The Doctor pulled himself from beside her and wandered back down the hall. "I put it somewhere."  
  
River smirked to herself and wandered back towards the console.  
  
  
  


**xXx**

  
  
  
  
They ended up finishing the whole bottle and are lying down on the Tardis floor hands entwined.  
  
"Now I remember why I hated suits." The Doctor loosened his collar.  
  
"But you look so handsome in them sweetie." River lifted her head to look at him and raised a brow. "Would you like me to take it off?"  
  
The Doctor grinned, "Not just now, River."  
  
River sighed and lay back down, "You're no fun at all."  
  
He turned his head sideways to look at her, curls falling back as she gazed at the lights floating around the Tardis.  
  
"I've missed you River." He spoke softly, as if these words were breakable.  
  
River tensed slightly. "I've missed you too, sweetie."  
  
"Look at me, will you?" the Doctor pleads.  
  
River glances at him quickly before sitting up. He mirrors her actions.  
  
"Can we go to bed? I'm tired." River looks up at him, arms crossed over her chest.  
  
"Of course." He says, watching as she stands and finds her way through the Tardis halls on her own. He doesn't follow her. He knows her well enough to know she needs her space. He snaps his fingers and the balls of light dancing above him disappear. He wonders if this is how being alone felt in the library. Like abandonment.


	7. Chapter 7

He did wonder off to look for her, eventually. For some reason he didn't expect to find her on his bed but there she was, curled up underneath black satin sheets.  
  
"Knock, knock." He took long strides until he was beside the bed. River didn't budge.  
  
"Are you feeling alright River?" He tried again and sat down softly on the edge of the bed, unsure whether to place his hands on her back in comfort or not. He decided to just hold them on his lap.  
  
"You're different. I've tried to ignore the nagging voice in my head telling me that but it won't go away." He could hear her sniffling away tears.  
  
"It's still me." The Doctor voiced softly.  
  
"Don't you think I know that?" River sprung up and faced him, eyes red and swollen, hair bunched up every which way. "Doctor, I know. It's just that I didn't picture… this." She motioned to the room. "To be honest I don't know what I pictured. For all I thought you'd just have…" she hiccuped a sob.  
  
"Forgotten you?" The Doctor finished her sentence. "Moved on?" He continued. He could really just slap himself sometimes. "Is that what you thought?"  
  
"Not forget. You never forget." River said once calmed. "But yes, move on. I'm dead, Doctor. You really had no reason to – "  
  
"To what?!" His voice had risen. In this incarnation it was sort of frightening to her. He stood and started pacing. He chuckled wryly before turning to look back at her, his eyes kind "Do you not see yourself like I see you?"  
  
The Doctor walked back to the bed and sat as close as he could beside her. He took her shaking hand in his. "I can't properly begin to tell you how sorry I am it took this long but you are not someone I can just move on from, River. You know how I am about moving on I don't do it well unless there is someone with me." He tucked stray curls from her face behind her ear.  
  
"Do you know what it was like?" The Doctor questioned. "Not having you fly my Tardis or not running into you mid-adventure? Because those things didn't matter. Because it was you I wanted with me. It's you who put me in my place, and that place is right beside you. Melody Pond."  
  
Somehow hearing him use  _that_  name overwhelmed her. She looks at his face, taking in every different angle from his impressionable nose to his clear blue eyes. She runs and hand up against his cheek, caressing this new face she doesn't know tenderly. "My Doctor." River breaks out in a small smile of recognition.  
  
The Doctor lets his hand settle over hers and leans into her cautiously. "Wife." He smirks before taking the final leap and pressing his lips against her own. River lets her eyes fall shut and she can taste the stars. Taste all of time and space, taste  _him_.  
  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
  
River awakens to find herself plastered against her timelord as he snores lightly into her unruly hair. The sensation tickles and she allows herself a light chuckle. He's still in his suit.  _Bless_ , she smirks and starts to disentangle herself from him. She thinks she'll make breakfast. It's been a long time since she's made breakfast in the Tardis and she is anxious to try it out now that she can.  
  
She tip-toes out of the room and decides to have a shower and a change first. She wanders through the halls of the Tardis knowing the Tardis will take her step by step where she wants to go, the old girl is a big help like that, and soon she finds the bathroom. She takes a quick shower and by the time she is out there are clothes waiting for her.  
  
"Thank you, dear." River says aloud, grabbing the clothes and putting them on. She finds her way to the kitchen with ease and decides to make banana bread with scrambled eggs and some orange juice. She hums to fill the silence.  
  
An hour passes by quite quickly but she finds herself covered it white sugar by the time she's finished the banana bread.  
  
"Should have re-thought taking a shower." River comments.  
  
"But you look so delightfully edible." Comes the Doctor's reply from behind her.  
  
"Good morning, sweetie." River grins and takes to kissing him on the cheek.  
  
"Been a busy bee I see." The Doctor sniffs the air. "Banana bread! Fantastic!" The wide gigantic grin returns to his face with a chuckle.  
  
"I should go wash up." River picks some sugar off her shirt. She pops out of the kitchen but not before returning with a pointed finger, "No cheating by sonicing the banana bread out early, you ruin my hard work."  
  
"Yes, dear." The Doctor crosses his arms over his chest and tries to look unimpressed. River eyes him warily, "I promise!" He assures.  
  
River smiles before ducking back out to change.  
  
The Doctor peaks out after her before pulling his screwdriver from his trousers. "Just one little taste, then I'll set the Tardis five minutes back and it'll be like this never happened." He approaches the oven slowly but gets a sudden tug on his ear.  
  
"Ahh!" He pulls away from River's grasp and rubs his ear protectively.  
  
"You are horrible!" River gasps with a chuckle. "Come on, come help me change. Here's hoping that will at least keep you busy."  
  
The Doctor tears his gaze from the oven and is slightly more giddy that in pain now as he follows River to their room.


	8. Chapter 8

"Haven't seen you in a while!" Anita greets when River is walking through the building she once called home to pick up some more of her clothes. She's been spending all her time in the Tardis. A habit she will never again want to break as long as she has the privilege.  
  
"Hello darling." River embraces the woman with a genuine smirk on her lips.  
  
"It's been pretty boring around here without you and your stories." Anita relays.  
  
"I'm sorry dear. I've been making new ones. I promise one day we'll have a girl's night, only us women. Forget the blokes."  
  
Anita grins at that. "Speaking of blokes… how are you and the Doctor?"  
  
River sighs dreamily, "Fantastic. Brilliant. Amazing!"  
  
"Alright, I get it." Anita chuckles.  
  
River's interest peaks at the look Anita is giving her. "Anything on your mind?"  
  
"Well, it's not like any of us have any sort of relationship, not like you and the Doctor."  
  
River nods, "You mean us being married."  
  
"Yes. It's not my business but I have missed a warm bed and someone to share it with. It crosses my mind from time to time. I just wondered if you and the Doctor have you know… gotten to that? I've forgotten how it feels."  
  
River grins nervously. No, she and this Doctor haven't gotten to be intimate but she knows what Anita is saying. In the computer the urge to be with someone doesn't exactly disappear but Cal does her best to keep everyone busy and time either flies or is dreadfully dull.  
  
"Not yet." River admits.  
  
"What are you waiting for River? You've got what we will never have again. Not anymore. Don't waste it." Anita wanders off in the direction of her room.  
  
Anita's right. She's not sure how long the Doctor has come back to her up until now but that doesn't matter with him here and all, and they've had adventures and all sorts of time together and what exactly is she waiting for?  
  
  


 

  
**xXx**

  
  
  
  
  
She doesn't know how exactly to approach the subject. The Doctor had revealed he and Rose had never done anything intimate (except that kiss) in his ninth incarnation and she doesn't want to push subject he could perhaps refuse. She had to try.  
  
"Doctor?" River approaches him as he stands, shoulders hunched at the console. "Anything bothering you?"  
  
"Nah." He brushed it off. "Just not exactly sure where to take you next. Want to go see the Mayans again? They had brilliant body art and I quite fancied it on you." His eyes filled with dangerous mischief.  
  
"I had a feeling." River strode beside him and pressed herself to his chest. His arms swarmed around her almost instantly. "I thought we could stay in tonight. Have some more wine." She wasn't sure to continue her next sentence but found the courage to. "Get properly reacquainted."  
  
"That last part came out as more of a question Professor."  
  
River felt him eyeing her. She didn't look up to meet his gaze. "Well it's certainly up for debate I believe."  
  
"River." The Doctor said. "Look at me."  
  
River reluctantly looked up into his eyes.  
  
"I was just waiting for you to be ready." He confessed. "I wanted you to be comfortable with me, comfortable enough to actually bring it up."  
  
"So you didn't have doubts?" River's hope started to flare in her chest.  
  
"You're my wife. How could I?" He smirked. "I have to warn you at this point in time I'm … or was bit out of practice." He shrugged, for the first time in her presence looking nervous.  
  
River raised a brow. "You do know I quite like a challenge Doctor. You're body's always been one of them." She took his hand and pulled him to their bedroom.  
  
  


 

  
**xXx**

  
  
  
  
  
River popped out of the Tardis breathless.  
  
"Sorry sweetie, ran out of ammo." She smiled up at the Doctor as he followed her out, equally trying to catch his breath.  
  
"That would be a first." He chuckled.  
  
"I have a snaking suspicion you had something to do with it." River grinned, pulling him to her and kissing him lightly.  
  
"I would never!" His hands encircled her waist. "But you perhaps didn't have to shoot first."  
  
"I only meant it as a friendly hello." River laughed.  
  
"Ah, hello. You would going on how many times in our lives you've shot off my hats."  
  
"You love it. I'll be back." She sauntered off towards the house to visit Cal.  
  
The Doctor watched her with a smirk before it slowly faded. He turned around and stepped back into the Tardis and entered a code into the console.  
  
It's been 365 days, in the computer's time that is, that he's been here. As soon as it reaches 620 he knows what will come. His regeneration will occur and he, this version, will disappear.


	9. Chapter 9

Cal squealed as she jumped into the swimming pool.  
  
River swam over to her. "Careful dear."  
  
"Wouldn't want to lose an ear." The Doctor smiled.  
  
"Does that happen?" Cal asked.  
  
"You don't want to know sweetie." River smiled with a chuckle, eying the Doctor who sat flipping through the Declaration of Independence on a chair beside the pool.  
  
"Doctor, get in with us!" Cal splashed independently.  
  
"I'm afraid I don't do swimming." The Doctor furrowed his brow, pretending he wasn't eyeing River back.  
  
"Oh, you are a complete liar." River climbed out of the pool. She walked up to the Doctor and leant over to whisper in his ear. "We've had plenty of encounters in the water if you do recall…" River kissed his earlobe.  
  
"Alright!" The Doctor placed the documents down and stood. "No need to deafen the poor child with that explicitness. Fine, I'll get in."  
  
"Finally!" Cal dove into the shallower waters.  
  
"You'll pay for getting me all wet." The Doctor gave River a peck on the cheek.  
  
"I look forward to it my love." River watched him walk back to the Tardis to get his swim trunks on. She sighed happily and joined Cal in the water again.  
  
"River, are you happy now?" Cal asked once the Doctor disappeared into his blue box.  
  
"But of course my dear." River swam in circles around the child.  
  
"Are you going to leave me?"  
  
River looked at the child with sorrow, "Cal I'll never do that."  
  
The truth is River knows she can't. There is no way to get out of the computer if the Doctor hadn't figured it out no one could. The thought of leaving Cal alone in here does tear her heart into pieces though.  
  
"You promise?"  
  
"I promise. Never ever."  
  
"Move on over." The Doctor had a running start before jumping into the pool.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
The Doctor found River going through a photo album on the steps leading up to the console. The album contained pictures of him and Rose, some with Mickey.  
  
"Ah that was a rainy day at a lava convention." He informed.  
  
River wrinkled her nose. "Is that really possible?"  
  
"You'd be surprised."  
  
"She's beautiful." River let her hand travel over a photo of Rose smiling happily.  
  
"That she was." The Doctor reached out and took the album. He closed it softly.  
  
"Does it make you uncomfortable?" River asked.  
  
"It makes it difficult River." The Doctor walked off into the halls in the direction of the library to put the photo album back. River followed.  
  
"You have feelings for her don't you? In this body, this mind?"  
  
The Doctor didn't answer.  
  
"Sweetie it's alright!" River called to his back.  
  
"No! No it's not. I'm here with you and my mind can't help going back to her."  
  
"Doctor she was your love. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt me but I understand." River took his face in her hands. "She brought you back when nothing was right in your world. And for that I'm grateful. I'm sure I would have liked her."  
  
The Doctor blinked, holding back tears he would never show under these circumstances. "You probably would have." He finally said.  
  
"Then talk about it. I'm here to listen sweetie, we have all the time in the world."  
  
He flinched.  
  
"What's wrong?" River looked upon him with worried eyes.  
  
He knew a day was coming where she'd lose him. This him and the way she looked at him he knows she's fallen deep and hard, she looks at him like she use to without this face to his name. So he lied. "You're right." He hid his lie with a smile he hoped would satisfy her. "We have all the time in the world."


	10. Chapter 10

River pulled her robe closer to her body as she walked through the Tardis. She had awoken alone in the dark bedroom that really wasn't her own and so it felt odd to use it alone.  
  
She found him, once again, hunched over the Tardis but this time simply standing. Brooding would be the proper word.  
  
"Sweetie." She called out to him.  
  
Her voice echoed in the room. He didn't turn around nor reply. River walked up to him and laid a hand on his arm. His eyes dropped to look at her hand but soon went back to eyeing the console.  
  
"Do you know how wonderful it's been?" He asked suddenly. "Just to do this, be here with you. I didn't think it could be done, me here without all of time and space but I have and I would do it again for you."  
  
River did wish he would look at her. She could somehow sense what it was when looking in his eyes but if he didn't look at her how would she know?  
  
"It's not the same is it?" River watched him but didn't answer. The Doctor moved to flip up a lever that caused the Tardis lights to dim and River could feel the Tardis move. He took River's hand and helped her to the door. "I just hope it's enough." He pulled the doors open.  
  
River gasped. "It's… it's the pyramid." She stepped out of the Tardis, walking onto the grounds of Area 52. She turned round to look at him, "How did you?" She was breathless, taking in the sight. The distress meter was as it had been that day so very long ago. The air was breezy and night sky brilliant instead of damned within the circumstances of their wedding day.  
  
"It took a bit of reconstructing. Had to pull most of it from scraps of history but I managed it. The Tardis did the rest." He tugged on his leather jacket nervously. He could feel it. His skin was feeling less and less constant and he could feel his body start the fading process.  
  
"Oh, sweetie, it's amazing!" River ran into his arms and kissed him. "Although that hair of yours was a bit rubbish." She laughed against his lips.  
  
The Doctor smiled, "I did have all of time on my hands that day, not to mention one very determined woman. Priorities got tossed out the window."  
  
River stayed curled up in his arms staring out from the top of the pyramid and for that the Doctor was grateful. He felt more alive when he could touch her and feel her next to him.  
  
"I brought something." He spoke into her curls. "Had to reconstruct this too since I don't wear them at this point in time."  
  
He dug into his pocket and brought out a bowtie similar to the one he wore the day he married her.  
River smiled up at him and took the fabric into her hands. She can remember him intimately,  _her_ Doctor. When she looked back up at this Doctor though, it didn't matter. He was finally  _her_ Doctor too.  
  
  
  


**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
  
Later that night after they had finished playing a board game with the others River brings them a bottle of champagne from the kitchen.  
  
She hands it over to the Doctor who is seated at the couch, "Very old." He comments. "Are you sure we should spoil it with little old us?"  
  
"Unless you want to get to other activities sooner." River let her hand rest on his thigh.  
  
The Doctor grinned at that, "Not yet, I think some champagne will do for some conversation first."  
  
"Very well." River let him pop open the bottle and pour them a glass.  
  
They sat entangled on the couch sipping their glasses in silence. The Doctor wanted to start the conversation because he knew any moment could be his last. He wanted to tell her before he just wasn't there anymore but he had to remember he wouldn't be gone forever. Just this him. But it's still leaving her and he can't bring it up because her head is on his chest and she's singing under her breath. He doesn't want that to be taken away with the fact that he only has so little time left.  
  
"Let's go to bed River." He finally says and hopes he has time for one last night.  
  
  
  


**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
  
She wakes up to see him frowning at her.  
  
She rolls over towards him. "It's only morning dear why such a long face?"  
  
"I love you, you know that don't you?"  
  
His tone immediately brings chills and she can't help but reach for him.  
  
"I know that." She assures him and brings her lips to his. Her eyes fall shut.  
  
"Doctor?" River blinks her eyes open. He's gone. "Doctor!" She stands up from the bed hurriedly and runs through the Tardis. No sign of him. She calls out his name again and again to no answer. It's when she bursts through the Tardis doors that she is greeted by a new face with sad eyes and crazy hair. His suit is torn up pretty badly and it lies limp on his long lanky body.  
  
"Hello River." The Doctor greets.  
  
 _Ten._


	11. Chapter 11

"You've just…"  
  
"Regenerated, yes." The Doctor nods sadly. He looks utterly heartbroken. "Yes, um, I have." He clears his throat.  
  
"We were just talking and you vanished." River's mind is running with dread.  
  
"Were we? Oh, brilliant. Love a good talking." The Doctor ran a hand through his hair.  
  
"You don't remember?" River feels a panic start to spread.  
  
"Wellll, not me, me. I mean I'm me. Now. So … I guess…"  
  
"We have to start over." The words left River's lips and spread a chill throughout her bones. No, this couldn't be happening. It took so long for the Doctor's ninth incarnation and her to form what they had and now if she's correct, she will have to build at square one with his tenth.  
  
Suddenly it didn't matter that he knew all of their history with this face, River had fallen in love with his ninth completely and now he is gone. Now his tenth is standing before her with baggage she is going to have to sort through (she can see it in his face) and it's not fair. It's just not fair.  
  
"River, are you alright?" The Doctor asks, looking unsettled but more worn.  
  
"Yes, dear. Yes. Let's just get you into clothes that aren't ripped at every edge." River begrudgingly took his arm and started to turn towards the Tardis. As she did she found the Tardis was no longer there.  
  
"Oh, right. I came with my Tardis. This way." The Doctor pulled her towards another direction. They walked until they were at the playground. There stood the same blue box, inviting and a vision of home.  
  
River felt tears start to sting behind her eyelids.  
  
"Come on." The Doctor snapped his fingers and the Tardis doors fell open. River was surprised to see he had learned he could do it. He took her words and used them. She was the one who told him he could after all. That did make her feel something to the side of pleasantness. "Thanks for that little trick, by the way. Never did get to thank you." The Doctor winced. "Sorry, I didn't mean…" He was thinking of their first meeting, in his time stream, she's sure which must have been only a time ago for him in this body.  
  
She can see his guilt and it's stabbing at her heart.  
  
"On with it then." River moved past him and entered the Tardis. Again, entirely different yet it's the only thing that feels normal right now.  
  
"It's the fifth door on the-"  
  
"I'll find it." River cuts him off and hurries to get him another suit.  
  
The Doctor shuts his eyes, he's dreadfully tired. All that's flashing behind his eyes is Donna. Brilliant, strong, beautiful Donna. Donna and all that she'll never know. Wilf. The Master. Martha. Rose. That is what is going on with him right now and it's so powerful he's surprised he can actually stand.  
  
River finds his wardrobe (which is not the fifth door) and as soon as she reaches the clothes rack she breaks out in tears. She tries to shush them by covering her mouth and breathing inwardly but they seem to keep coming. She can't go out to him like this.  
  
The Tardis is built differently but she feels steady inside of it. When she can lift herself up again she takes the suit in her arms and tries to hold a brave face like she use to.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
River sets down a cup of tea in front of him.  
  
"Milk?" She asks.  
  
He nods as his eyes wander over the grounds. They are having tea outside. "Thank you." He says as she hands it to him. He sips it and hums, "This hits the bones like heaven."  
  
River smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes.  
  
"How are you feeling?" River takes a seat across him.  
  
"I've felt better." The Doctor admits.  
  
"Well being stuck in a computer will give you time to rest." River takes a sip of her cup.  
  
He feels the startling tension. It's only growing. "You don't like this." It wasn't a question.  
  
River opened her mouth but nothing came out. His eyes so young and vulnerable was begging to be comforted right now. She couldn't do that just now and she hated herself for it.  
  
"I'm sorry." He kept his eyes focused on anything but her now.  
  
"It's not you. It's not." River tried to provide a warm smile. He mirrored it.  
  
He swallows the thick lump in his throat. "I'm… so tired." He admitted, a devastating chuckle working through his lips with a rush of humiliation with the actuality of saying it out loud.  
  
"They are all going to be fine. So will you."  
  
"I doubt it so much right now even though I know that's true." His voice cracking in emotion. He could never allow himself to be this truthful with anyone for the longest time. Then his River flowed right through him as his future and his past, both worth everything from the loss to the glorious joys.  
  
"What do you need my love?" River begged, couldn't bear to see him like this no matter what she was feeling.  
  
"River," He begins, a sad smile emerging. "I really didn't want to go."  
  
River can only give a sympathetic smile now. "I know my love. I  _know_." She looks down at her tea. "Neither did I." She adds.


	12. Chapter 12

"Will you be needing anything?" The Doctor stood anxiously in the middle of the bedroom. He figured he'd use one of the spare ones to give her some space even with the loneliness spreading through his every thought.  
"No, we both need some rest."  
  
"Right then, I'll leave you to it." He lingered a bit before he noticed he was doing so. "Right." He hurriedly took off.  
  
River wanted so badly to call him back but knew there would be no use trying to console him if she couldn't even console herself.  
  
"What am I to do?" She desperately pleaded for an answer. The room was still and answerless.  
  
Sleep didn't come for her.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
It was the middle of the day and River hadn't gotten out of the bed. Her mind kept going on with thoughts of the worst possible outcomes. The Doctor hadn't come to check on her and she knew he's avoiding confronting everything he needs to express. Especially now. She's starting to see how crippled he is by his own self in this incarnation. It's going to break her if she doesn't start to help him heal soon.  
  
Her feet hit the bare floor and she pulled herself out of bed with aching bones to accompany the sudden movement.  
  
She opened the door only to find the Doctor slumped against the wall. He was snoring lightly. She couldn't bare this sight. She kept the sob threatening to work up and work against her from escaping and instead knelt down. His face was contorted, brow furrowed and he was sweating. He was having a bad dream. She can feel its tension burrowing itself into her own mind.  
  
She reached out and cupped his face in her hands and leaning her forehead against his. She felt his hand slowly rest on her shoulder yet his eyes didn't fall open. He swallowed before his voice cracked as he rasped out "Don't…" He was too out of it to continue his request.  
  
"I won't ask. Not now. Come to the bed." She unsuccessfully tried to pull him up but he was dead weight. "Doctor I can't lift you, please help me."  
  
His eyes fluttered open, swallowing the dryness in his mouth and attempted to lift himself. His weight on her shoulders made her aching bones give her a sharper bit of pain but she held him up. He dragged against her almost tipping her over until the bed was in reach and he toppled into it.  
  
He lay there without a breath left in him it seemed. River crawled up beside him and rubbed his back before finally taking to sleep herself.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
She awoke to find him staring at the ceiling. Her legs were draped over him and she had tangled her whole body basically against his. She tensed slightly.  
  
His hand sought out and rested on her waist. A silent plead for her to stay as she was. He needed the comfort of closeness at that moment.  
  
"Did you get some rest?" River spoke into the dark room. They had stayed in bed all day by the looks of it.  
  
"Did you?" He asked.  
  
"No." She kept having horrible visions the moment her eyelids shut.  
  
"No." He answered her question back.  
  
The Doctor looked down at her, "I want to take you somewhere."  
  
River met his eyes. They were scared and unsure. Still he continued. "Bad Wolf Bay."  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
His entire being was being torn to shreds at his every touch against the Tardis right now and the final destination he was reaching but he has to show her.  
  
River eyed him quietly and kept her distance. She wasn't sure what this visit would accomplish. He wouldn't find Rose and he would only cause himself more pain. He's destructing himself in front of her eyes but she knows she can only accompany him in that destruction to be able to resurrect him.  
  
The Tardis landed.  
  
He turned back to look at those wooden doors. River went by his side and took his hand. He gave her a smile only heartbreak could produce.  
  
They approached the doors together.


	13. Chapter 13

The computer had every place ever exiting in its data and Bad Wolf Bay was one of them.  
  
The mist is cool against their skin as they step out into the damp sand underneath their feet. She feels him tense and can already imagine the mask he is holding and hiding under.  
  
His vision blurred before him. Such hazy draining pain starting to burst under his skin and it feels like crawling black bile climbing in his throat.  
  
"It's empty without her here."  
  
"I imagine it would be." River moved to stand in front of him. His eyes cast down to hers, "And here." Her hand lay firmly against chest.  
  
"The last thing I expected was for this to happen you know. These feelings to slither into the library with me. I guess I should have thought of that." He lets his hands slide into his pockets to stop their shaking. "It's not fair to you."  
  
"The only thing not fair is the pain you feel that I'm afraid I can't help with."  
  
"No, but you do. River there is no one I can show this place to. No one will ever know of this place as long as I am able to tell it because I won't. I refuse."  
  
"Then why bring me here? How can I or this possibly help you?"  
  
He shrugged, "I need you. I need you here. I can't face it alone and I know in a way I have to because it's my burden. Just things I could never do out there but in here... the ghosts have followed me here, even your face and I hate to say that I do but everything is still fresh. Jenny, Donna, Rose, you. I can't escape that."  
  
"You've been trying to escape for ages my love. There is no escape. We break your hearts and I'm sorry but it's not your fault. Never has been your fault."  
  
The Doctor looked back out into Bad Wolf Bay. He took River's hand in his and brought it to his lips before leading her back into the Tardis.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
Inside the Tardis they were side by side on the bed as he soniced the ceiling and produced a supernova illusion over them. "You know I went to see her last. God she was young and she would have been better off without me."  
  
River entwined her fingers with his, "No one is better without you."  
  
"You would say that."  
  
"My love, look at me."  
  
He chewed on his lip before doing so.  
  
"This blame you hold so tightly in your grasp never went away. You are the only man who has to carry this burden and you've kept running so that it wouldn't stick. There's nothing you can do and it breaks my heart to say that but you know this already. I'm so sorry."  
  
"It's not your fault."  
  
"It's not yours." River was ever insistent. She turned her attention to the evolving supernova and sighed. "Your heart is like time and space itself. You've travelled through all your life and you can't stop. There is always more and less in every circumstance but you can't hold onto it forever because it will always slip from your grasp no matter the distance you can travel through it. Time is endless and so is the ache in your hearts."  
  
"How do you know me so well? Even now when you're obviously hesitant."  
  
River turned her head slightly. "Because I won't ever let you travel endlessly alone."  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
Time had passed steadily and small activities such as cooking together and playing cards helped soothe them both from the losses they were feeling. They hadn't gone anywhere since Bad Wolf Bay, just calm days spent inside the Tardis learning with River learning his habits and moods in this incarnation. She was quite fond of the ridiculous way his face is constructed when he is expressing himself or simply going on with a ramble.  
To be truthful the Doctor couldn't yet grace the console with his presence since the visit to Bad Wolf Bay. River took notice to that one day as she caught him standing at the end of the hallway staring longingly at it.  
  
He felt her presence as she neared.  
  
"One day at a time, remember?"  
  
The Doctor nodded. "I know, I know. Just this Tardis should never have to be left to herself."  
  
"She understands more than you know sweetie."  
  
He tried not to cringe. She calls him sweetie and he gets flashbacks to the library when they first met and the images of what followed immediately grip him tightly.  
  
"I need some air." He grabbed his coat and was out of the Tardis instantly.  
  
He starts running.


	14. Chapter 14

"Can we not go in there?" The Doctor tugged at River's hand, arm stiffening.  
  
"It's just the Tardis's library Doctor."  
  
"Yes I just can't go into libraries after..." He scratched at his neck. "Not just now."  
  
River nodded. "Alright, yes." She remembers after Manhattan, with his Eleventh, with Amy and Rory how he couldn't even think of New York. She imagines his coping mechanisms of avoidance are still the same. "To the swimming pool?" she offers.  
  
The Doctor's mouth dropped open in contemplation, "Good, good. Brilliant. I need a good swim. Haven't swam since the Niagara Falls incident."  
  
"Oh yes, I recall that story. You naughty boy."  
  
"Just a minor mix up with the nudists, I didn't start it."  
  
"Yes and I didn't start the tradition before you got there." River quickly turned and started to walk away.  
  
"No?!" He gaped. " _No?!_ " He chased after her.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
"Doctor?" River takes the Doctor's hand. "Would you fancy a trip?"  
  
The Doctor raises a brow, quizzical. "Are you intending on whisking me away Melody Pond?"  
  
"Right off your feet." River's eyes dance with mischief.  
  
He shrugs, "Well alright, the Tardis has done enough sitting down for a while. Where do you think we should send her? Haven't seen the Dalai Lama in quite a good century." He smirks.  
  
"Which one? I've heard they all have you warranted as a bad omen at one time or another." River rushed towards the console, the Doctor at her heels.  
  
"Right. Probably best stay out of that." The Doctor watched River work on his console, a bit amateur given this wasn't the Tardis she was use to but she seemed to be managing quite well. The old girl must still be able to guide her.  
  
"I was thinking more on the lines of… Leadworth."  
  
The Doctor shrunk back away from the console. "River."  
  
"For ice cream! Oh come on Doctor it will be fun!"  
  
"I can't step into my own library and you want to take me to Leadworth?"  
  
The Tardis landing echoed around them.  
  
"Yes." River walked up beside the Doctor. "There's nothing haunting you at Leadworth. There are only beginnings there, not endings."  
  
"River, I can't. You know I can't step out there."  
  
"Doctor, there are no chances of a paradox here. You know that but there are chances of acceptance. Take my hand." River held out her palm.  
  
The Doctor shook his head. "I can't."  
  
"What are you so afraid of?"  
  
The Doctor managed a heartbroken smile, "I'm looking at her." His hand reached up to push a golden curl from her face. "I'm sorry River but you went out like a light. It's still too bright for even my eyes. And going back to the start, now? It's hard enough just pushing through having you in my grasp because of everything I know and remember the forefront is you in that chair. Always and every time I look at you I'm blinded. Do you know how long it had been since I heard anyone use my name? Not even the Master dared speak it to me as I don't dare speak his. And then you come sauntering into that library almost carving your name into my skin and it was unbearable. I thought not this, not again, not another human. How could I fall for another one again? After Rose. But then the rest of it happened." He smirked. "I never stood a chance."  
  
The Doctor moved from his place and set the Tardis back to where they came from in six quick easy steps.  
  
"Do you know what hurts more now that I think of it?" He asks and turns to look at her. River shook her head.  
  
"Rose I can never see again but it's you I can never save."  
  
"You stupid bloody idiot." River rushes to him and pulls him towards her, kissing him to keep from slapping him. River pulls back and looks him in the eye, "This is the saving, my love. This is it. For both of us and don't you dare go all dark about saving me because it was I who saved you and I wouldn't change that for anything. I didn't let myself kill you the first time I met you and I didn't let you die the last time I saw you either." River smiled. "It's called marriage, sweetie."  
  
The Doctor shook his head. "I've lead you to your own death River. I led all of you there in one way or another because I can't be alone. So I grab onto someone and drag you along with me."  
  
"But there is nowhere in the universe one of us wouldn't follow you willingly. Doctor, don't you see?" River looked into his eyes in this form, his Tenth, and the weight of the entire world on his shoulders is unbearable to see.  
  
"Your father once told me that I'm dangerous in Venice. Rory was right."  
  
"You unbelievable idiot." River could only offer a dazzling smile. "Oh, Doctor. When will you see that danger isn't the only thing you offer? You come with so much more than that."  
  
"What good does it do you River? You climbed into that chair to die. You can't tell me you weren't scared."  
  
"I was being a good girl and was looking after you, like my mother asked of me." River pulled the Doctor close and enveloped him in a hug. "And if you must know, I'd do it again."


	15. Chapter 15

"Do you remember the last time we saw each other? Well, not the last time, the last time with this face?" The Doctor asked.  
  
"Asgard." River nodded, remembering the picnic and how similar it feels now considering they are lying side by side on a blanket under a willow tree – the tension and the awkwardness. "Yes, I remember. You looked at me as if you'd seen a ghost." She chuckled. "Sort of how you look at me now."  
  
The Doctor shook his head, "I don't want you to feel that way."  
  
"But it's true I suppose. When you first got here, your ninth, those feelings followed him. For you it must feel like just after Asgard. Am I wrong?"  
  
"No. You're not. I know all of our history but I'm stuck." The Doctor looked beside him, eying her curls with a small smirk. "You're all kinds of frightening, River Song."  
  
River turned her face sideways to meet his eyes which were seemingly dancing with fondness in them. "Am I?" She leaned her body closer towards his.  
  
"Oh, yes." He smiled. "You scare the living hell out of me, I think that was made clear at Asgard."  
  
"I'm surprised you didn't just run."  
  
"I figured I owed it to you to stay." He then glanced away and added with a rush, "That and the Tardis wouldn't budge."  
  
River sat up with a gasp, "I knew it you were planning on taking off!"  
  
"Frightening mad woman who knew my name and everything I didn't, it seemed the proper thing to do at the moment." The Doctor grimaced. "Sorry."  
  
River merely smiled down at him with his crazy hair and lanky form looking completely relaxed. She sighed before taking her spot back beside him, entwining their hands together. "No need my love. I know you were scared, but you never run when you're scared. Rule 7."  
  
The Doctor felt a grin spread on his face.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
"River?!" The Doctor called out, head popping into every room he passed as he wandered down the halls in the Tardis. "River!"  
  
He can only imagine she had gotten lost because obviously it couldn't be him that was lost.  
  
"Right. How about if I ask nicely?" He spoke out towards no one, eyeing the Tardis walls as if they would speak back. "I'll just be at the console then?" Came out as more of a question.  
  
The Doctor turned only to come face to face with what seemed to be the voice interface of himself, in his Eleventh form. The image was distorted and his mouth was moving but there was no sound. It kept cutting off in front of him, appearing and disappearing with mounds of static. So this definitely wasn't  _his_  Tardis's interface, but it was signaling from somewhere.  
  
The Doctor pulled out his screwdriver and tried to catch whatever signal was pouring through the computer frame.  
  
The light above him sent out some sparks of electricity when the vision before him became clearer and suddenly a bow-tie wearing man stood before him with a grin. On very low signal the grainy figure finally spoke. "Oh, thanks! I figured you'd hone in on my signal. I haven't got much time, this message will inoperably self-destruct the Tardis if I take too long and I needed to get you alone." His Eleventh self relayed.  
  
His Eleventh seemed to narrow his eye and peer closer at him, causing The Doctor to lean back self-consciously. "Look at that hair, I miss my hair." His Eleventh then proceeded to fiddle about with his own floppy mane. "Can't get anything done with this hair constantly in my face." His Eleventh grimaced.  
  
The Doctor stood, mouth agape, not really sure how to reply to the image before him.  
  
There was a faraway beeping sound seemingly coming from the image. "Oh! That's right! I'm on self-destruct mode, better get to it then, let's see we've not got much time." His Eleventh glanced at his watch and clasped his hands together before reaching into his tweet jacket and retrieving his sonic screwdriver. He waved it before him. "I'm relaying the information to you right now."  
  
The Doctor could feel a flood of density pushing itself into his brain as the light of his Eleventh's sonic pierced through him.  
  
"Good luck." Was all his Eleventh said before the image evaporated before him.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: So this has mentions of 11th/River and the side his Eleventh self has burdened his Tenth with from last part of the previous chapter. There are references to companions and the Master also, this part won't entirely reveal what exaclty was 11's message to 10 but it will get to that soon. I hope the quotes in italics are able to be understood and knowledge of the companions (some of them last words spoken to the tenth or at the time of that incarnation, some from the eleventh with the ponds). I hope it sends you the right impression if who 10 is recalling. Hope you enjoy it.

"You know I never figured you, this you, for a camping type of bloke." River's smile shone brightly as the fire sizzled in-between them.  
  
The Doctor shrugged, "M'not. Just can't be in the Tardis."  
  
His mind mulled over the intrusion of information that floated into his cranium the night before when his Eleventh self appeared to him. The information burned at his skin, not like regeneration, but something constant and flaming and incredibly  _painful_  was dying inside of him.  
  
He threw in another small piece of broken wood into the fire and hoped to gaze into the inviting light until the pressure would start to drown away from his mind.  
  
After his Eleventh disappeared it was all hasty moodiness and two words - Pack.  _Now_. – with a sour face and a newly formed emptiness that the information left in its waking intrusion.  
  
Nothing more than that. River did as she was told.  
  
 _"What am I doing?"  
  
"As you're told."_  
  
He blinks away the bowtie that he entwined onto her waiting hand on top of that pyramid, willingly – so very willingly that he should have known the simple piece of cloth too would catch flame because everything he touched burned out like the blinding light that ultimately lead her to her death.  
  
The bowtie makes him sick.  
  
So that piece of cloth was more like a handcuff to her destruction all along. And here he thought she was the chain to his future imprisonment, the mad woman dragging along spoilers onto his battered heart because  _oh, Rose_  – and the Doctor Donna fading from his hearts – _oh, but I can't go back. don't make me go back. please, please –_  
  
He shut his eyes against the silent banging in his head, and -  
  
 _oh, god_  – he can hear them faintly start to announce themselves inside of him -  _drums_  – and he thinks: finally –  
  
 _i'm as mad as he was -  
  
rose tyler i _– burnt up the sun and love no more -  
  
 _forever – be with you forever – i was gonna_ – and repeat, and repeat, and  _she_  forgets -  
  
 _I've broken you all._  
  
Then comes his foreknowledge, too much tweed, too many hats –  
  
Then no bow tie and hats. Because he's drifted back to Donna, not the Doctor Donna but just plain Donna and hats -  
  
 _planet of hats, donna! i'll take that one. -_  
  
But not in this form, not in this life.  
  
And what the hell was  **he**  doing, what right to hold on?  
  
 _it's time to stop waiting. -_  
  
He said.  
  
A raggedy man with too much love that made him refuse her of letting go.  
  
And he begged for more waiting.  
  
 _come along pond, please -_  
  
Mad, Impossible  ** _Pond_**. No.  
  
No more waiting.  
  
Amelia  ** _Williams._**  
  
The girl who stopped waiting.  
  
 _raggedy man...  
  
 **goodbye -**_  
  
And broken heart, oh now there is no heart at all.  
  
When he finds himself glancing at River she is only his watching audience. He stands and goes to sit beside her, sliding off his overcoat and draping it over her shoulder.  
  
"You really are too bloody thin." River teased, appreciated lacing through her words.  
  
Somewhat not the least bit comforting.  
  
"There's really nothing left, I suppose." He sulked. "People like us, promises are death beds only we are left to survive."  
  
 _drums – and the drums – and the drums -_  
  
The Master's undoing was looking into the soul of time.  
  
His undoing is the fact that time allows him to stay alive.  
  
Alive.  
  
His Tardis knew well what a sad word it was.  
  
He remembers begging, he never really did learn how to stop, did he?  
  
 _please, i don't want you to –_  
  
And she smiles without the following words having to be said.  
  
 _but i don't want to either, my beautiful idiot, i stole you too –_  
  
The Library was a song to the Tardis's own empty womb.  
  
 _river song, my gift to you, my impossible mad thief. made for you. you boxed up fool, you should forgive you too. –_  
  
The most devastating part is as his Eleventh memories are his as well. He's forced to sit here with River and sink. Just sink.  
  
The message now very clear –  
  
 _i'm taking her back from you –_  
  
He's not the one with the bowtie that tied them and fed lies of forever. And he knows her Doctor has spoken –  
  
 _you're not the Doctor –_  
  
But she said someday…  
  
 _not today_  – Eleventh meant -  
  
 _she's my song. she never really belonged to you -_


	17. Chapter 17

The time feels as if it drags longer than it has to so he sonics the sky, dark and bleak, and his screwdriver reads that the sky is still and no time is passing. He assumes this is Cal's doing. He has a feeling the Tardis helped being a time machine and he just wanted an end. Is that so bloody hard?  
  
River had smirked at him before heading into the tent to catch some shut eye.  
  
His eyes slowly shut. And the information comes. Pouring inside like a tide that swallows him alive.  
  
He can't stand this anymore. He rushes inside the tent not sure what he expected when he caught sight of her again. It's not been long since she had gone to sleep and yet it's been far too long for his liking. His hearts start to ache. He's never missed her like this before and she's only a few feet away.  
  
His knees give out and before he can stop himself as he lay down beside her his first reaction is to run his fingers through her curls.  _Oh, God. Please wake up._  
  
He imposes his mind on her, invading her own and her eyes open in seconds.  
  
His hand trembles when a thumb runs against her cheek.  
  
"Doctor, what's wrong?"  
  
She tries to sit up but suddenly he's on top of her, hands around her wrist because he needs a pulse to make her real. To keep himself as real as possible because in truth he is not. He is only a computerized version of  _her_  future Doctor. That was made clear as his Eleventh soniced him the silent plans for him to carry through.  
  
He could feel River frozen underneath him. At least she's not burning right in front of him.  
  
His voice is think, heavy and scared and he makes another plea that he knows he has no right to ask. "Just give me a now or a never. River please."  
  
 _River please –_  
  
The exact replica of the voice he used as he begged her and resented her because she forced onto him no choice in trying to save her. And he always had a choice because he made the ones others never could. His burden to carry, to own and to crush under. That was his penance because he has damned so many people just because he couldn't bear to travel alone.  
  
She began to let herself relax against him and he softened the hold around her wrists, eyes starting to blur with tears. Then slowly she began to pulls her wrists free.  
  
It's utterly painful that he is revealing to her just with the look in his eyes that this loss of skin is only a sign of rejection.  
  
Warm hands caress his cheek and then he can't breathe. He just can't because if he dies now in her arms it's more like redemption.  
  
"A now. Please." He says, and he hopes. "Let me have a piece of you for myself. I need a now or a never."  
  
With that request the weight of all his baggage is going to land on her and yet she's willing to embrace it. Like the selfish man he has always been he doesn't waste time on his conscience. His breath comes out in a wrecked breath and it's a devastating sound as he leans his forehead against hers and her breath is hot against his lips.  
  
She leans her mouth closer and her lips barely come in contact with his own. It stings. And the guilt he's sure she can taste with bitter insistence will burn her up so much more than death. He's sure of it.  
  
She explores his mouth with every piece of her she has to give.  
  
Every part of him start to crack and spill with the act her selflessness, always selfless, and the years of hiding the damage and it only gives him comfort that she is just as broken as he is.  
  
There is no way to put it delicately when hands leave bruises in the softest of touches.  
  
There is nothing left to do but devour. Every inch of skin, all of what little is left.  
  
They call it making love because you have to make love work.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
"How can you even look at me?" He finally asked.  
  
It's been hours and he hasn't said a thing to her and she takes that silence as regret. Like he is repulsed. Like all she is only the way out.  
  
River hastily grabs her clothes and pulls them on.  
  
"River.  _River_."  
  
But she doesn't turn back to him.  
  
He turns her around and holds her in place. "I did not mean it like that."  
  
"It's what you need, my love. I won't deny you, I give you everything I have to give willingly and I wouldn't have it any other way." An uneven breath, "Even if you didn't mean it. This. You needed me and I won't ever refuse you of that."  
  
And she shines bright right in front of him again. She gave him everything right up until the end. Agony builds inside of him.  
  
"Don't say that. Don't you dare, if anything I'm the one who took advantage of you."  
  
"You stupid bloody idiot!" She tears herself away from him and turns away because she is not going to let him see her tears. He can't handle the damage. "Who are you?  _Who are you?_  Not even those words could have pulled me away, my love." She laughs, the sound damned by her battered heart.  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on you and I pushed away because I couldn't bear it. I couldn't accept any silent revelation because I knew." She looks back at him. "I asked you who you were because of that blue book… I knew you were something I would never be able to keep from the moment you appeared."  
  
River wiped away her tears. He pulled her into an embrace and kissed her cheek.  
  
So they pour more salt in their wounds and cling onto each other, entangle in one another, until the night starts to move and time finally starts to pass.


	18. Chapter 18

River has gone off with Cal for an adventure to Loch Ness. He declined. In fact he hadn't met Cal again since he'd gotten here. He remembers the girls smiling face when he ran,  _he ran_ , with River's screwdriver with a plan so clever,  _so, so clever_ , and he marvels that obviously his future self was still a genius even with a bowtie. Which cool they are definitely not. Bowties, seriously? He grimaced at his future fashion sense.  
  
But he sent River into this virtual world. A world that he now realizes isn't enough for her just because his future self wasn't brilliant enough, as he wasn't, to find a solution that would keep her from dying.  
  
But River is actually River, she is her entire memory and her entire being came from a real person. He on the other hand is created with only a memory. He feels more and more hollow everyday knowing he isn't real even though his thoughts and feelings are real to a certain point. He isn't his future self, alive and well and out there working on a way to take River with him. It's getting closer and closer everyday with the plans he now know  _he_  has to carry out because River doesn't belong in here. Not with him. Not when, after the Library, to him, she was just somebody that he used to know. Somebody he didn't want to acknowledge even with foreknowledge written so potently by the look on her face telling him otherwise.  
  
So sitting there, alone, on the Tardis's steps he shuts his eyes and thinks of her skin and how he fit so perfectly in her arms two nights ago. Like a lost piece of a puzzle that didn't come with the set and the set was being discontinued so there was no hope in completing that puzzle anymore. Then by some odd miracle he stops at a place that that has stored everything in history (the Library). The piece of the puzzle long forgotten and given up on since every other puzzle piece in his life seemed to be ill fitted no matter how much he tried to make it fit it wouldn't (parallel universe, getting out, forgetting, come along Pond  _please_ ). So he throws the pieces away. No more looking because he won't find it.  _Let it be._  
  
If the puzzle still existed out there he wouldn't know the shape anymore. Only his dearest friend,  _dear old blue box_ , searched for him it seems. Only now he realized she didn't look because she made it with her own hands. A child of time for a Timelord, really… what other puzzle piece could he possibly ever need?  
  
And River... her song is ending and headed away from him but her story won't end because she'll be free. Alive. As she should be.  
  
He lifts himself up and messes about the console. Her familiar echoes whirl around him and then she lands.  
He grabs his coat on his way out and pulls the doors open. He steps out into the abandoned children's home Canton and Amy frantically searched for Melody at. The red paint of warning on the walls are freshly painted by the caretaker he assumes painted it just minutes ago. The Doctor walks to the room that has light pouring out of the cracks on the door.  
  
Before he opens the door he tries to remind himself that this isn't a paradox, things in the computer go as you want them to. The child sits up when he enters the room. She is holding the picture of Amy holding her in her arms taken at Demon's Run. With a smirk on his face he greets her.  
  
"Hello, Melody."  
  
  


 

  
**xXx**

  
  
  
  
  
Cal pets Nessy while River brushes the young child's hair. The have spent the evening at Loch Ness and had a picnic on Nessy's back while the creature swam freely underneath them.  
  
"River, why has the Doctor not come on any of our adventures?" Cal inquired.  
  
River smiled. "The Doctor has been feeling poorly, dear. He tends to get overdramatic if you try to help him in any way when he's like that."  
  
"Oh. Oh! I know!" Cal waves her arms excitedly. "We should bring Madame De Pompadour over for brunch! I know he likes her!" The child smiled, pleased with herself.  
  
"You naughty girl, have you been looking into the Doctor's history without me?" River teased.  
  
Cal blushed. "He is rather amazing."  
  
River laughed. "That he is, my dear."  
  
"Anita and Dave had a dinner last night. I think they have cooties."  
  
"And why would you think that?" River raised a brow.  
  
"Their faces were squished together and just… bleh." Cal squirmed in disgust.  
  
River burst out in a fit of laughter, taking Cal into her arms. "Oh, you silly child."  
  
She pressed a loving kiss on the child's head.  
  
  


 

  
**xXx**

  
  
  
  
  
River walked into the Tardis not knowing what to expect. The Doctor's back was to her but as the door shut he took attention to her and the smile on his face took her by surprise.  
  
"Come here, come now this is just  _brilliant_." That last word coming out in drawl.  
River happily complied and was by his side immediately.  
  
"You know how the Tardis's chameleon circuit is locked?" He waited, eager for her to nod as if he need confirmation of having her full attention.  
  
"Yes, yes, my love I have noticed." River smiled and leaned against the console.  
  
He gave a rather manic reply hand gestures and all, "I have absolutely no idea what to do about that. But now I know I have absolutely no idea and do you know what that means?" His movements ever so antsy he is practically ready to burst with giddiness.  
  
River tried to choose her words carefully. "That you have no idea?"  
  
"Exactly!" He gave a marvelous grin before pulling her into his arms and snogging her senseless.  
  
And River thinks fondly  _you mad, foolish idiot._


	19. Chapter 19

"Cal wants to have us for dinner." River takes a bite from her strawberry.  
  
The Doctor's hand stop tinkering with the electrical wires he's tangled in and takes a peak at her over his specs for a moment.  
  
"Dinner. I don't remember the last time I had a proper dinner." Yet his mind drifts to Rose, Jackie, Mickey, funny party hats. He inhales sharply before disentangling himself from the wires. His foot gets stuck and he tries to toss it away by having his leg spasm in the air while he tries to balance himself as he hops on one foot. He looks utterly ridiculous.  
  
"You do have hands, sweetie." River thinks it's worth mentioning.  
  
The wire finally falls flat on the floor and he dusts himself off, straightening his suit. "Dinner then?" His nose scrunches up as if the idea is absolutely impossible to fathom and she's waiting for the trademark  _what?!_  to topple from his lips.  
  
"A special guest is coming." She informs, bringing the strawberry back to her lips.  
  
His hand running through his hair makes it stand at odd angles.  
  
He fixes a pointed glare at her, a finger pointed her way, "Will. There. Be. Jellybabies."  
  
And River knows that's all the confirmation she needs.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
When he walks into the dining room he breaks out in a large grin. "Reinette!"  
  
"Doctor!" She flows gracefully in her gown as she rushes over to him and envelops him in a hug.  
  
He pulls back and points to the girl once in the fireplace with the goofiest grin, "River its Madame De Pompadour!" He's so tickled with the mere fact and his face is just radiant with amusement.  
  
His smile is a mile long and he winks over at Cal, who smiles at him brightly.  
  
"Yes, sweetie. I know." River laughs, adoring his reaction and the way his smile is truly genuine.  
  
He glances back at River, "Reinette," the smallest of smiles coming across his face when he holds out his hand for River to take, "This is… this is my wife."  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
Later, many hours after the dinner is over and Madame De Pompadour has graced him with her own presence for two hours, he silently crawls out of bed – careful not to wake River – and pulls on his clothes.  
  
He shuts the door and no sound comes from it. He almost wishes it did and River would call him back to bed.  
  
He stands with his hand on the doorknob for just a little longer before letting his hand fall down by his side. The uneven breath he lets out not even a comfort as he walks towards the Tardis's library. The library he's been avoiding because he knew,  _he knew_ , it would somehow be vital to the plan he is meant to carry out.  
  
Before he steps inside the vast room full of books from the bottom to the top he shuts his eyes and re-evaluates the instructions his Eleventh passed on to him as if he needs to go over it again. It's imprinted in his every thought what else could he need to go over. He steps in, walls seemingly endless as you walk past them with literature his blue box pulls out of herself and when the time comes that you step towards the end another slate of books emerge from the walls with the path appearing in front of you. It's like an endless stroll that builds itself the father you go. No ending just a continuing of what would seem an endless journey.  
  
He pulls on his specs and walks through the valley of shelved books. Going through the lowest and climbing the ladder to reach the highest on the bookshelf and pulling books out only to toss them carelessly behind his back because that definitely wasn't the book he was looking for.  
  
When he does climb down from the ladder his feet are met with the countless books he has tossed down which now coat the floor that his feet have to push out of the way so he can continue his search on another section of his library.  
  
It's only when he's pulled the trunks hidden in the bottom chamber that he has to climb down into and is hidden in total darkness (which he thinks  _really? a bottom chamber?_ ) does he find the book he's searching for. He places the torch he is carrying, which he found in his trouser pocket ( _bigger on the inside_ ), underneath his arm and flips through the book.  
  
"Ah-ha!" are his words of victory as he shuts the book and climbs back up from the dark gloomy compartment. The floor he is greeted with is completely book free. He smirks at his Tardis before also noticing a conveniently placed door out of the library to his left. "That's my old girl." He compliments before he rushes to the other side of the Tardis where he knows he will find all of what he needs.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
River has taken to hanging Christmas light on the ceiling of the Tardis. It should be that time of year outside of the computer, if her calculations are right.  
  
"Need help with that?"  
  
She gasps, the Doctor suddenly standing right beside her.  
  
"Give me a heart attack, why not!" She gently smacks his shoulder with a laugh.  
  
The Doctor takes the lights from her hands and tosses them aside. Before she can protest he's got his hand on her lower back and his other hand entwining with hers. He pulls her closer to him and starts to sway back and forth.  
  
'Jingle Bell Rock' starts to play and River snickers into the Doctor's jacket. The Tardis is definitely showing off now.  
  
"What do you want for Christmas?" He asks, lips pressed into the softness that was her maddening hair.  
  
"Oh, I don't know." River pulls back to look up at him, a smile forming, "Perhaps a reindeer."  
  
The Doctor grins. "Ah, a reindeer. How clever. It can steer the Tardis to her next destination."  
  
The Tardis suddenly shakes in a way that can only be a protest.  
  
River laughs.  
  
"I was only joking, dear." The Doctor comforts his Tardis.  
  
"What do you want?" River asks.  
  
"I have it in my arms right now."  
  
And he knows it may be the last time.


	20. Chapter 20

"You're acting rather strange." River comments, eyeing the Doctor's face with concern as she sits beside him.  
  
He inhales deeply, "I'm fine." He turns his eyes to her and smiles, grasping her hand in his. "Really, really. I'm fine. Bit tired perhaps."  
  
He reflects on the past few weeks at having to carefully slip away at night from the warmth of the bed, of River, to work on  _it_.  
  
He realizes his hands are trembling now when River's other hand covers it. He can still feel the cold metal he works on every night and it chills to his bones.  
  
She doesn't have to ask. And he doesn't have to answer. But he does. At least… he lies.  
  
"I've just had a rough few days, River. That's all. Might be getting a cold." He knows what a weak lie because he can't get sick in here. Not in this world. His eyes drink in the sight before him. River's curls happen to be his favorite part of her. They're soft and wild and are absolutely magnificent; if anyone else had them it wouldn't look right.  
  
He hops up and heads to the console. "I think there's somewhere we should go."  
  
"And wherever would that be?" River watches him fondly.  
  
"Telling you would ruin the surprise." He stops and smirks at her. Then the Tardis is in motion. The old girl takes longer to land than she should because he's prolonging every second lately. "You should go change. Jeans and a sweater perhaps would be best."  
  
"That narrows it down then." River heads off into the Tardis hallway, a joyous skip in every step.  
  
The Doctor let's his hands move over the beloved buttons and levers on the console. And it's not fair. Today is not fair at all.  
  
He slips on his coat and takes a peak outside. Yep, winter season. He closes the wooden doors and waits for River to join him.  
  
The computer has every place in all of history. Even if the people aren't alive anymore it doesn't mean their spirit isn't. And this visit, this would be one River should have. Should have had for much longer than she did.  
  
Her voice sounded closer now, "Is this alright?"  
  
She emerged with black jeans and a red sweater.  
  
"Brilliant." He smiled. "Come on." He held his hand out.  
  
The snow that greeted them was falling beautifully from the night sky. He glanced at River waiting for her to spot it. Knew she would it's not like she didn't grasp at every piece of information that ever existed after she lost them.  
  
It's the blue that attracts her attention. The bluest blue door on the street that is much more prominent with the snow that covered every rooftop and every street. No one would be able to miss that.  
  
A door that is so very odd and stands out at this time in New York.  
  
The breath that comes out of her mouth spreads mist against the cold air. She knows he must be watching because his hand squeezes hers a little tighter.  
  
"Come on then." He nods towards the house.  
  
She can't believe it. What would she say? What would they say? Would they look the same? Would they even be happy to see her?  
  
She doesn't have time to answer her own questions because they are at the doorstep and the Doctor is knocking at the door.  
  
And she hears it. The voice.  
  
"Oi, stop it now stupid face, someone is at the door."  
  
When it's pulled open her hair is still a bright red. The wrinkles on her face have added over the years but Amy's hair is as bright as ever against the blue door she has pulled open.  
  
"Rory!" Amy's voice cracks as she calls for her husband.  
  
"Mum." Is all River can say before she is pulled in for a hug. Her mother's arms around her and it had been years,  _years_ , and River hadn't forgotten anything about her parents but the longer time goes the more certain things fade away. The sound of their voices remembered but not necessarily as clear as it used to be.  
  
So her mother hugging her… that's home. The Tardis was always home but not like  _this_. These arms being the only memory of her mother when they took River away from her at Demon's Run. These arms that enveloped Mels freely and with so much love.  
  
"River?" Rory's voice makes River realize she's had her eyes tightly shut.  
  
Amy let go of her but before River could feel the loss her father's arms were around her.  
  
"We've missed you." Rory spoke into her hair.  
  
"Well you're awfully gangly, Doctor. At least the bowtie is gone." She hears Amy tease.  
  
"Oh, Pond." The Doctor envelops his lovely little Amelia in his arms.  
  
"Honestly, if this is past you, you should have kept the wardrobe." Amy continued with a laugh.  
  
Rory finally pulled away but took River's hand in his own, "Come in, come in."  
  
"Anthony Pond, get your butt down here!" Amy called from the bottom of the stairs. River knew of her new brother that her parents adopted but never got the chance to meet him.  
  
River looked around the home. It was exactly how she pictured the new life Amy and Rory had since Manhattan. "I hope we're not intruding."  
  
Amy frowned before bringing River into another embrace, "Two extra plates practically live on our table. We never stopped waiting. Even when time that passed said we should."  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
After dinner was had night had fallen over the city of New York River and the Doctor walked back to the Tardis. River was just glowing with happiness.  
  
"I can't believe it! It was just wonderful! So very wonderful! Oh, Doctor!" She pulled him to her and kissed him. "Thank you."  
  
The Doctor smiled down at her, "Best get back to Cal. It's nearly her bedtime and you owe that girl another story. Why don't… why don't you take the wheel?"  
  
River smiled and nodded.  
  
The Doctor took off his coat, glancing at her solemnly.  
  
He had to force his feet to move, one ahead of the other. He was right behind her but hesitated.  
  
"River."  
  
She turned around and his body gently pressed against hers, so that she was up against the console. No way out. He let both hands caress her cheeks and her eyes fell shut. His fingertips slowly moved upward, to her temple. Images of what happened with Donna flowing back.  
  
Her body thrummed against him until she fell limp in his arms.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
She feels her eyelids start to flutter, trying to anyways. The weight of unconsciousness pulling her from reaching actual consciousness. She hears shuffling and a warm hand on her cheek. That pulls her a step closer to awaken and she can finally blink, the sight before her blurred and a pulse – her pulse, she realizes – thrumming through her veins.  
  
Her body wants to drift off again but she wills herself to jolt back into reality. The hazy image before her starts to blur clear and she can finally make out what is in front of her.  
  
The Doctor's hand is still soft against her cheek and she smiles, leaning into it when she hears his breath hitch and his throat contract a strangled noise. It makes her go still and eyes fighting to focus until she can see him properly.  
  
He is wearing a smile, the smile he uses when he pulls a mask over himself to hide whatever he is trying to avoid dealing with. He is kneeling before her, she notes.  
  
It's then that she feels it. The cold metal makes her shiver. She starts to remember his hands on her temple and everything going black. She glances down and the sight chills her to the bone. It's an exact replica of the fatal thrown she climbed onto in the Library.  
  
"No, no, what are you doing!" She's frantic now.  
  
"Goodbye, River."  
  
When his hands pull away from her cheek she follows where they go. It sets in now as he connects the wires, a tear running down his face before everything is pouring light brighter than any sun in all of time and space.  
  
The chair of damnation now a chair of rebirth.


	21. Chapter 21

There's shuffling. A lot of shuffling. A loud crash and quite a bit of cursing involved.  
  
"Why won't you work, oh come now dear. I know you're cross with me Sexy but I delivered and now it's your turn. Please. Pretty, pretty please."  
  
There's a rumbling sensation.  
  
River gasps. And there's pain. There's never been pain in the computer.  
  
"Oh! There, there dear. Thank you!"  
  
River feels an energy bubbling up in her skin. Breathing is very hard, so very, very hard. It's rough and it's strangled. Then she feels warmth against her lips. A steady pulse running down her throat and her heart start so gather an intensity that feels like it's going to burst. There is a buzzing source of life coloring every inch of her skin and she feels the pulsing start to pour out of her fingertips and down to her toes.  
  
She feels whatever warmth against her lips start to pull away but it's drawing her to it like a magnet.  
  
"Okay, okay. Open your eyes. Please,  _please_." The voice trembles and she hears the  _ache_.  
  
Only one thing has ever sounded so broken and so alone.  
  
There's one last gasp and her eyes open wide and the next breath is the air of life. Her eyes close again because it's like a jolt of lightning that makes her body want to pass out.  
  
"River.  _River_!"  
  
Something is shaking her lightly. She realizes someone is holding her close and their chest heaving heavily with a struggle as their heart beats against her ears. No…  _hearts_.  
  
"There you are, there you are. Deep breaths, River. Open your eyes. Slowly, can you hear me? Open your eyes."  
  
And she does.  
  
He smiles and the giggle that accompanies it sounds just as ridiculously childish as it always had.  
  
She feels different… she feels. She can't put her finger on it but she feels… no. This feeling coursing through her veins is one she's only felt twice.  
  
"What did you do?" Her voice is high pitched and throat starting to make her regret speaking at all.  
  
The Doctor's face sobers slightly, "Don't, River. Not now. I'll explain later but not - "  
  
Her hand grip at his stupid bowtie,  _her_  Doctor finally holding her in his arms. "What did you  _do_!"  
  
His bottom lip trembles and his eyes, oh those eyes. If she didn't know him as well as she did she would have missed it. They tell her everything just by looking at them.  
  
"No. You didn't. Tell me you didn't. I gave those lives to  _you_!" the tears fall down her cheeks.  
  
"And I can do what I want with them! I save you as you saved me so don't you dare make me feel sorry for it!" His tone is furious but she knows it's not so much fury. He leans forward and presses his lips to her forehead, breathing deeply and cradling her close.  
  
His voice was softer this time. "It was the only way. The only way to get you out. Three regenerations to keep your body alive when I got you out. I would have given you all of them if I had to. Wouldn't even think about it, I just would."  
  
River cries into his shoulder. This is real. This is…  
  
"Cal. No, I promised her I wouldn't leave her."  
  
The Doctor shushed her. "I took care of that. There's a version of you that stayed in the computer. For her and… and for him. He doesn't deserve to be alone because if it weren't for him doing as I asked you wouldn't be here. He still has you in there."  
  
River finally looks around the Tardis. The lights are dimmed and it looks like she's not been touched in years.  
  
"Where are they?" She asks.  
  
He doesn't pull back and he doesn't answer.  
  
And the realization breaks her heart. "You're travelling alone aren't you?"  
  
"Not exactly. I've been unconscious. I had to route myself into the computer to project my past selves. Everything that happened in there with you could only be accomplished if the link to my past selves was being sent by my own mind and that could only be done if I was feeding myself into the computer completely."  
  
River gently nudged him away from her and looked at him. Really looked. "So everything that happened in the computer was coming from your life source?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"And everything that happened in there was transmitted into your consciousness as well?"  
  
"I could only be a silent audience. It was hard to relive those versions of myself and my reactions towards you and everything in-between. Hadn't really thought it through, that. What would follow with my past lives in full control of any and every action they chose."  
  
River pulled him back into her embrace.  
  
"I'm never want to lose you again." He muttered. "So don't go anywhere."  
  
River gave a low chuckle, "I won't, my love. I won't."


	22. Chapter 22

River watches him brush the dust that has gathered around the console and the small particles float into the air.  
  
She's not sure what to do now. She gave all her lives to him in Berlin and now he's wasted three of them just to get her back. Out of everything she never wanted this to be the option for taking her out of the computer. Never wanted him to act on an action like that. Those lives are his and now what's he left with? How many lives did he have left? What if he's lying and he used up more regenerations than he's told her.  
  
"Stop it."  
  
His voice makes her look at him.  
  
"What?"  
  
He sighs, "I can hear you thinking aloud just by the look of you, stop it."  
  
"And what do you suppose I should do to occupy my time? Take to jumping out of more spaceships and taking the Tardis to the right place like I use to?" Tears gathered but she soldiers through with a smile, "I don't know what you expected. I'm sorry my love but I'm not that person anymore."  
  
"That person you speak off blossomed because you were Melody Pond stolen from your childhood because of me, the woman who was forced and brainwashed to kill the Doctor because of me and paid the price with a life behind bars. The woman who married the Doctor because I used our love to make you trust me, the woman who lost her parents because I couldn't let go." He exhaled, The woman I hurt over and over again because I didn't know who you were, the woman who died for me. Those are the circumstances that made you who you are. That's my fault. No more hiding the damage, River. Because I'm not the same person I was either."  
  
"So what now?"  
  
He finally smiles, it's a little one but it's there. "No more running. Let's stop and sail the stars in a non timey-wimey but a bit wibbly-wobbly time stream. As humans would call it… linear."  
  
River sighed, "I can hear you're bored already."  
  
"Okay maybe a bit of timey-wimey, I lied. I'm a liar. Spoilers aren't around to hide behind Professor Song so we're just going to have to be liars to hide our surprises for one another," the Doctor pulled a lever on the console and the Tardis lit up. "Ha! Back in business! Hello, dear. Been asleep a bit too long but don't worry. You've got two pilots now." His eyes met hers.  
  
He grinned at her and held out his hand. She couldn't help it. She rolls her eyes and joins him and of course takes charge because flying the Tardis now… it's real. This is real.  
  
He hugs around her waist from behind and kisses her cheek before letting his head rest on her shoulder.  
  
  
  


**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
  
"What do you think about this one?" River held up the records of residency and studied them.  
  
He snatched them from her grasp, and she rolls her eyes because he's so  _annoying_  when he does that.  
  
"No, no, no, no!" He stomps around the other papers scattered around the Tardis floor, scratching his head with frustration. "I've gotten them all wrong again. It's not this year it's two years before."  
  
"Did I not say two years before?" River reminded. "If you would listen to me we wouldn't be in these rubbish messes so often."  
  
He grimaces and waves his hands in the air, "Now is not the time to be pointing out my vices River Song. We have to get this just right or else it's no use and things will not go well."  
  
River stood, "Alright. Set the coordinates."  
  
"Why? What are you planning on doing? That face… that face only means you're disregarding my plans and making up your own. You insufferable woman!" He growls yet it's with deep affection.  
  
She smirks. "Coordinates, my love."  
  
He tosses the thin yellow paper in the air and lets it fall where it may.  
  
When the Tardis lands he's leaning against the console in defeat, chin resting on his hand and sulking.  
  
"You are such a child." River chuckles. She takes a breath before walking over to him and running a hand down his shoulder. "You're not wrong. This will work. I'm sure of it."  
  
As soon as he pulls the Tardis doors open he is met with the dark of night and with it the extraordinary old man standing in front of him, hands trembling with excitement and… nervousness.  
  
"I knew it! I knew it was you!" Wilf takes the Doctor in his arms. "Doctor, I knew you would come back. But," Wilf pulls back.  
  
"Oh! Regeneration. I died, and then I didn't. It's a long story." The Doctor nods.  
  
"Well, all that matters is you're here! I can only imagine this means one thing."  
  
The Doctor smirks and gives River a glance. She nods.  
  
"Where is she?" He asks.  
  
Wilf gives a sad smile, "Looking at the stars from my telescope as if she knows there's something more out there."  
  
The Doctor's only comfort as he walks up the grassy pasture is the tight hold he has on River's hand as they get closer and closer to the incredible woman he could never forget.  
  
His voice is caught in his throat when Donna comes in view so River steps in front of him, "We went over this. I'll be but a minute."  
  
River walks over until she's behind Donna. The woman she met at the Library.  
  
"Donna Noble?" River asks.  
The redhead whipped her head around. "Who's asking?" She shuffled to her feet and eyed River up and down. "Did my mum send you up here?! I don't want whatever the hell you're selling!"  
  
River smirked, "I just wanted you to have this. It's from an old friend. A very old friend."  
  
River held in her hand a fob watch.  
  
"What in the devil do you expect me to do with that? It's old and…" Donna started to get a faraway look.  
  
River put the fob watch in Donna's hand, "Donna, open the watch. Now."  
  
Donna felt tears start to form, "What… what is this? What… why does it burn?!"  
  
"Open the watch." River urged.  
  
Donna looked from River to the watch and opened it.  
  
A bright light emerged from Donna's mouth and flowed into the watch as it inhaled all the time energy in Donna's body. River held Donna steady when the fob watch fell to the grass and closed shut. The fob watch glowed for a few seconds before the light surrounding it dimmed.  
  
The Doctor was there then, helping River to get Donna to lie on her back.  
  
"Donna? Donna, are you alright?" River pressed her hand to Donna's forehead. "She's not burning up that's a good sign."  
  
"It didn't work. It's not going to work." The Doctor muttered.  
  
"Now's not the time to be negative! Will you please focus!" River snapped.  
  
"Oh, my head. What in the hell…" Donna suddenly sat upright. She looked at the Doctor pointedly, squinted at him and waved a finger at him, "Oi, you don't fool me with that baby face I don't know what you did spaceman but you've got loads of explaining to do!"  
  
The Doctor let out a huff of laughter and took Donna in his arms. "Donna Noble! Hah!"  
  
Donna hugged back, "How could I forget? How could I ever forget you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I've always wanted to say this.... DONNA NOBLE HAS BEEN SAVED.


	23. Chapter 23

They were all sat in Donna's kitchen, Wilf with his arm hugging Donna and River and the Doctor across them smiling as they all animatedly talked about anything and everything.  
  
"So how did you do it Doctor? What is that thing?" Wilf motioned to the fob watch the Doctor had tucked safely away in his pocket.  
  
"There's this little trick timelords use to hide in plain sight if they are in danger that has very deadly costs. The fob watch holds all of our memories and tucks away the energy that would give away exactly who we are. I got to thinking that Donna sort of fit that equation. I had to tuck her memory away because if she remembered she would die."  
  
The Doctor reached out and took Donna's hand in his.  
  
"Then River so helpfully pointed out that if the watch can hold all of a Timelord's energy then it can very well hold all of the Doctor Donna's. Therefore it was just a case of trying to figure out how to go about extracting that energy without having Donna die and letting her memories resurface and remain intact. I plan to destroy the fob watch as soon as I get the chance so that it will never be opened and Donna will be able to remember. Everything."  
  
Donna smiled and made him promise to come by and take her for another adventure.  
  
"You and the missus come back every once in a while, yeah? If you stay away too long I will hunt you down." She warned.  
  
"Not a chance I would stay away. Not a chance in the world." He hugged her goodbye.  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
River stilled and then shook her head, a memory coming to mind.  
  
"River. River!" The Doctor was at her side immediately. Whenever she would touch her head or wince he was there being all overprotective.  
  
"No, no, I'm fine it's just… after Asgard I went to see Jack, The Face Of Boe I mean – which he is absolutely tickled by because I seem to be the only one to still call him Jack, and as I was about to leave he chuckled – you know me I can never resist a good chuckle," She smiled, so did the Doctor.  
  
"He said 'I'll be seeing you, River'. I could feel the screwdriver you gave me in my pocket. At that time I thought he meant a past me, since our meetings were front to back I assumed Jack was referring to that. It gave more fuel to my suspicions of the Library."  
  
River broke into a breathless giggle, continuing. "Good old Jack probably got a visit from future us and was being his ever so subtle self by giving away a hint of what's to come."  
  
The Doctor laughed, "Gonna have to get him new tank for that. Maybe even the new jacuzzi version Hugh Hefner was talking about."  
  
River gaped, eyebrow raised. "You went to the playboy mansion?"  
  
The Doctor shrugged, "I didn't exactly go to one just more of a troll infestation and there were too may rooms so I had to stay for a few days since I couldn't find the Tardis…." The Doctor's face contorted in deep thought.  
  
River snapped him out of it with a swat to his chest. "Daft old man."  
  
  
  


  
**xXx**   


  
  
  
  
  
  
_Four Years Later_  
  
"Ah, did I not tell you I would see you again." The Face of Boe said as the Doctor and River neared him.  
  
River chuckled, "I'm sure you already know so go ahead. Gloat."  
  
He chuckled, "Well let's see her then."  
  
The child peaked out from behind the Doctor's legs.  
  
"Go on dear, remember handsome Jack?" the Doctor asked his daughter.  
  
She nodded.  
  
"Say hello to him, love." River nodded.  
  
The four year olds steps were unsure but she managed to get close enough to the tank.  
The Face of Boe gave a content laugh, "Well hello there. I've got to tell you, you were named after one heck of a lady, little Sarah Jane."  
  
  


  
________________________________________  
 **The End.**  



End file.
